November 19, 2006

Serious Moments and Retail Therapy

Posted in Serious Moments, Yarn Porn at 9:04 pm by Melanie

So, I got a knit picks order this weekend.  And also did a little shopping. 
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

The purple and multicolored sock yarn are at the top are gifts for the secret pal.  Then we have the pacific northwest shawl for my next attempt in lace knitting. Then Vogue Knitting Shawls.  A book I saw in Joann’s and couldn’t pass up for 40% off.  After that is Sock Memories in Smores and 2 balls of black essentials sock yarn and 3 balls of superwash.  Oh, and a size 0, 32″ knit pick needle.  I’m anxious to try them.  They’re a fraction of the cost of addis and look like they could truly be comparable. 🙂

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

This is Borocco Ultra Alpaca 1075 yards.  For a shawl for my mom that she saw on Rachel Ray.  She knits so I’ll give it to her for Christmas in yarn form and she can decide if she wants to make it or if she’d like me to make it.  (I have a feeling I know the answer, but I also know there is no earthly way I can complete it by Christmas.)

SERIOUS MOMENTS:
Well, there were many questions about whether “the boy” and I were still together and I pretty much ignored the e-mails and requests.  For those interested:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

A very sweet guy.  I’m sorry to say that I (unintentionally, so very very very unintentionally messed it up.)  I hurt him, and it’s something I deeply regret.  I didn’t cheat on him, I didn’t lie to him, but he was not happy with a decision I made (rightfully so) and decided he couldn’t deal with it.  That stated, I did the best I could with what I could, and always had my son’s best interest at heart.  I think that if that situation happened now, exactly the same, I would have done the same thing, and thus I feel like fate just had its hand and it just wasn’t meant to be.  Unfortunately, 3 months later, I’m still not over him and still think of him and miss him, often.

 Things were a little rough between “the boy” and me because of the divorce and because of the stress that it caused me in life.  I tried very hard not to involve him in that aspect, as I know I don’t want to hear about a boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, but it still caused (and continues to cause) stress in my life. 

The stress-

The Ex & I are still not divorced and every other weekend there seems to be some sort of issue.  I told my mom today that quite simply, “I don’t want to do this for the next 15 years.”  The ex owes my parents several thousand dollars from a debt that they helped us pay off before we seperated.  When we seperated the debt was split and EX was to pay half and I was to pay half.  I pay when I can as much as I can, and my parents are okay with that.  The EX promised my dad that when he got his yearly bonus in September he would pay it in one lump sum.  That month came and went with NO payment.  Friday afternoon when I dropped Z off at his dad’s for the weekend I had to use the bathroom.  I asked to come upstairs and use his.  He was fine with that.  I walked in and see a projection screen and projector in his family room.  I was so disgusted it was all I could do not to throw up in his living room.  He has the audacity to purchase something ridiculous like that while thousands of dollars in debt.  Although moments like that make me CERTAIN that I made the right decision to leave him, it makes me unbelievably depressed that my parents are out that money and it’s my fault.  We’re now having an unbelievably bitter battle over the holidays.  He plays ridiculous games that aren’t even worthy of discussion here, and upon me picking him up today I told him that if he wanted to continue playing rude games that I WOULD win.  I then told him he couldn’t have Z for Thanksgiving.  Although this sounds heartbreaking and sounds that I am using Z, I assure you I am protecting him from his father using HIM.  It is only convienient for EX to have his son when there’s a girlfriend in the picture and he wants to play house.  Since The Ex moved home in June (and then left for 2 months) I know of 4 girls that he has introduced Z to.  And those are just the ones that I know of.  I wonder how many others there are?  That is hurtful and pathetic and immature.  He only sees his son every other weekend and those weekends should be for Zand his dad.  The Ex can spend the other 24-26 days of the month with the girlfriend. 

And maybe I shouldn’t be involved in that part of my Ex’s life and how he decides to approach his dating with our son (I never claimed to be perfect) but I do know that I can not sleep at night knowing that he’s taking his son over to some girlfriend’s parent’s house for thanksgiving playing house and playing “I’m MISTER Dad.”  The Ex has not taken Z to one speech therapy appointment, one testing session, one doctor appointment since his move home in June.  And trust me, there have been MANY.  There have been days when Zis sick and I have to stay home from work.  Ex is never available to help out because (and this is a direct quote that has been used THREE times) “It’s not my day.”

It’s not my day?  You’re a parent!  Everyday is your day!  My friend Mary states it quite well.  “You can not force someone to be a parent.”  And she’s right.  But I also can’t force the Ex to NOT be a parent.  There are certain times I want The Ex out of Z’s life.  But I don’t want to be the one to make that decision.  But I also don’t want to watch Z be disappointed time and time again by a father that doesn’t care about him unless it’s convienient for him.  These are the things about being a mother that are so hard.  These are the moments that keep me awake at night and put so much pressure on me.  I don’t get another chance to make it right.  What is right?  How do I know?  And if I don’t make the right decision how will Zever know that I tried my best– all the time, everyday, every moment? But to end this post on a positive note:
IT IS WORTH IT. EVERY MOMENT OF IT IS WORTH IT. This is why:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

and…
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting